Jokes MMXII

[Hollywoodmike]

The Afghan Quarterback


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

[Syncopate]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
" What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He never knew what hit him.

[Fpoynt]

ok, these two guys are building a backyard bar b q, and they had 600 bricks after working for 3 long days in the hot sun they finished, but they had one brick left over.

what? no body likes this joke?

firstly....i get it .....but really

[Crazykid]

ok here is another joke. this lady gets on an airplane with her toy poodle. setting next to her is a guy smoking a cigar
finally she says sir that cigar smoke is bothering my poodle can you throw it out the window? he says lady the poodle is bothering me why dont you throw that dog out the window? to his surprise she tosses the poodle out the window at 30 thousand feet. the guy smoking the cigar felt terrible and he proceded to toss his cigar out the window. when the plane lands they look out the window and here comes that poodle running across the runway.
and you guess it, that poodle had something in his mouth, do you know what it was?

[MikeFromGardena]

CK --
It's a two-part joke, right? (1) One of the guys building the BBQ throws the leftover brick high up in the air and then (2) after the plane lands the woman finds the poodle on the wing with the brick in its mouth. Memory flogger from the 9th grade.

Work on the delivery. Punch it up a bit and you will be ready to do the free set Thursday night at the Komedy Korner in Bumdiddle, Montana.

[Crazykid]

the poodle had the brick in his mouth.

[Fpoynt]

the poodle had the brick in his mouth.

oh hell i didn't get it thought it was "1 brick shy in ones mind...errrrr load" or elevator does't go to the top or his breads only half baked, oh forget it

[Kermit]

Science / Nature

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

[Kermit]

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sit in a chair weeping unconably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and ventured "A football coach?"

[Crazykid]

or me watching a simulcast race.