Jokes

[Kermit]

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which
puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your loveing Ferrari?

[MaryS]

From a friend in Texas, who may well know from first-hand experience.

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[PrivateSmiles]

Did you hear about the ailing herpetologist? He has ereptile dysfunction.

[MaryS]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replied the , "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.


An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried."Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail... Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:








"Master, Master!......




The Hills are alive with the
sound of music!"

[MaryS]

https://www.facebook.com/TheIrishWay

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

[Kermit]

Only in Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

[Kermit]

Yes! It Was Said!
"When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land."
-- Desmond Tutu

"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a
billionaire."
-- Howard Hughes

"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box."
-- Italian proverb

"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all
over them for years."
-- May West

"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats."
-- Jean Kerr

"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!"
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
-- Prince Philip

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
-- Emo Philips.

"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself."
Harrison Ford

"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree."
-- Spike Milligan

"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke."
-- Robin Hall

"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror."
-- Jean Rostand.

"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea."
-- W.H. Auden

"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."
-- Jonathan Katz

"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson

"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
-- Arthur C. Clarke

"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap."
-- Steve Martin

"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is."
-- Jimmy Durante

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -
every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."
-- John Glenn

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?"
-- Steven Wright

"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric."
-- Doug Hamwell

"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there."
-- George Roberts

"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!"
-- Jonathan Winters

"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
-- Robert Benchley.