Jokes

[Pegasus44]

A guy walks into a bar at 11:00 pm and takes a seat. The news has just come on the TV, and the lead story is about a man who is threatening to jump off a building.

Moments later, a hot blonde walks in the bar and sits right next to the guy.

"$100 says the guy jumps", the man says to her.

"You're on!", the blonde replies.

After a minute of high tension, the man, in fact, jumps.

Disgruntled, the blonde pulls out a C-note and slaps it on the bar in front of the guy.

"I can't take your money", the guy says. "I have to confess that the story they showed was from an earlier broadcast. I knew he was going to jump."

"Yeah," the blonde replies. "I know. I saw it earlier, too."

Astonished, the guy says, "Well, if you saw it earlier and knew the guy was gonna jump, why did you bet me he wouldn't?"

wait

for

it




"I didn't think he'd do it again"

[Crazykid]

just heard farah fosett went to heaven. god greeted her and granted her one wish. her wish was that she wanted all children to be safe and have no harm done to them. so god killed michael jackson

[Pegasus44]

A koala bear is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint.
A lizard smells the weed and investigates.

Once he gets up to the branch where the koala is, he asks, "Watcha doin?"
"Smokin a dube...want some?", replies the koala.
"I never tried it, but sure, why not", says the lizard.

After about 3 joints later, the lizard says, "Dude....I got dry-mouth. Gotta get to the river to quench my thirst".
"Right on, check ya when ya get back, bro", says the koala.

So, off to the river goes the lizard, not in hurry and not in a straight line.

Once at the river, he's so high he can barely judge the distance to the water, and falls right in.

Nearby, an alligator sees the whole things and swims over to the lizard. He helps him to the riverbank.

"Man, what's the matter with YOU", asks the alliagtor.
"I been smokin weed with the koala in that tree over yonder. You should check it out", replies the lizard.
"I think I will" says the alligator, and makes his way to the tree.

As he gets up to the koala, he says, "Hey koala!"

And the koala says, "Duuuuuuude...how much water did you DRINK?"

[Pegasus44]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping . . . . ..

[SKYWALKER]

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied,"Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[Dgstan]

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found a dirty magazine depicting spanking under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going to handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

[Kermit]

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you=2 0getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

*****
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f**ked-up your hair ?"

[Rosethorn2]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bu s to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Lurker]

Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Pegasus44]

Thank God for Little Girls
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cup of Tea.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was 2 1/2 years old at the time.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise from my Dad for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'