Jokes MMXII

[Kermit]

"Old Man, a Corvette and Interstate 44"

(Once again ...don't mess with senior citizens)

A Oklahoma senior citizen drove his red Corvette convertible on the interstate 44 highway near Grove, Oklahoma.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 85 mph, enjoying the wind ing through what little hair he had left . "Amazing," he thought as he flew down
I-44, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Oklahoma State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 105 mph, then 115, then 135. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this! " and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never heard before-- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Oklahoma State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[The Bart]

So Julius Ceasar walks into a bar and looks at the drink menu. He says "bartender I'll have a martinos." The bartender says, "do you mean martini?" And Julius replies "no thanks, one's my limit."

Bad pun,I know but it's all I have today.

[PrivateSmiles]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

***

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

***
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Kermit]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get
my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.' The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year!!

[Pooch]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the love makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[Kermit]

Boudreaux the Cajun comes home from work to find his house ransacked and burglarized.

He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, paing nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

**********

Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class.

The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware!"

[MaryS]

New broom?

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Rosethorn2]

New broom?

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

!!!

[Apad]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to
Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he
would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti'
on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[Crazykid]

a woman comes home and finds her husband crying uncontrolably. she says why are you crying? he says rember when we were dating and your dad told me if i didnt marry you i would have to spend the next 20 years in jail. the wife says yes. the husband says
i would be getting out of jail today.